Welcome to the wonderful world of annoying others. We've all been the victim of spam and other byproducts of the web that consistently grate on our nerves and create a desire to hunt these bastards down and torture them mercilessly. Or maybe that's just me. Many times I've fantasized about crashing down the door to a seedy apartment in El Segundo and finding "the guy" who emails the junk, porn, and extraneous bullshit that piles up in everyones inbox. The fanasy ends with mailing his fingers to his relatives. Once again, that's just me, perhaps that might be considered "wrong". So, what can you do to waste these people's time as they have wasted yours? Most of the emails that are sent will never be checked if you send a witty or hate-filled reply, and if they do get checked, it just confirms that these people have located a valid email address. This means you can be sure to be added to their succulent list of valid email addresses. After doing a little research, combined with a bit too much free time in the month of March last year, I thought I would have a bit of fun. This is a true story. |
One of the emails that I, along with many of my friends, have received repeatedly are requests for assistance from parties in Nigeria. Basically these emails are a request for American assistance in moving large sums of money from Nigeria to the States. They sound too good to be true and they are. You can go to google and enter a search for Nigerian Email Scam and find a multitude of results that range from documentation of said scams to true stories of people that have actually been ripped off. You can also find people like myself who have decided to turn this into a form of entertainment. Before proceeding, it is important to understand a bit more about this particular scam. You can find more by performing a google search, but I'll give you a brief overview to get started before continuing on to the comedy. It works exactly like this: You receive an email from a distraught person in or around Nigeria. This person will have a story that varies, but are built on the same premise. In most cases, this person has access to a large sum of money for a variety of reasons. Anywhere from 5 to 60 million US Dollars. Once again, for a variety of reasons, there will be a situation where this money can be obtained, but must be transferred to an American bank in order to gain access. The scammer will open a line of communication with whomever he can get to repond. He/She will explain their terrible plight and request assistance in transferring the money. In exchange for your help, you will receive a percentage of the money. I've seen anywhere from 15-50%. Sounds simple, right? You just have to open a bank account here in your home town and await for this large sum of money to arrive. In the meantime the scammer will attempt to establish your trust and treat you like a long lost relative. So where is the scam? It comes later. Once you've corresponded many times, they will run into a "problem" just before the transfer can be executed. In most cases, the scammer will write you in an excited manner and say he is about to perform the transfer, but there is a small problem. In order to transfer the money, he has to pay a fee to the bank. He will have an unfortunate situation where he is destitute until he can make this transfer, and there is no way that he can deduct the money from the millions being wired. He will ask for you to wire money to finish the transaction, anywhere from $500 to $1200 or more to cover the wire transfer fees because of the "large amount of the transfer." The sad part is that many people have actually fallen for this. Currently, most people are aware of these scams. When they first started happening, they apparently suckered a lot of people which speaks to the ignorance of our populous. You and I know that if it sounds too good to be true, then it is. Who in their right mind would trust that a stranger would receive millions of dollars free and clear, then give part of it back to this stranger? The sadder part of this is the fact that there are supposedly cases of people actually going to Nigeria with the cash, then getting robbed and even in one case, killed. This is according to sites where I have read accounts of such, but I don't know for certainty if it went to that level. I took it upon myself to answer these emails until I got someone to reply. It only took two attempts. The following explains the characters I made up along with the actual people I encountered. |
In order to make sense of the whole thing, I have taken the liberty of inserting some commentary into the following emails, as well as color code the characters because it can get confusing. Keep in mind that the emails going both directions are actual honest-to-gosh emails that have not been edited. I intended to start my story with a character who was a bit ridiculous, then gradually put the ridiculous meter in the red until the scammer realized that he was either being scammed or dealing with a total nutter, then he would give up. In order to help organize the lengthy events that transpired, I have color coded the text so that it is more obvious which person is writing. THE CAST THE SCAMMERS: Mohammed Danjuba and Emmanual Isaac DUANE DETAUB: Our protaganist, a character I created. He is the assistant shift manager at a tanning salon in Lubbock, Texas. He's a redneck hillbilly. Sounds like a perfect match for our scammers. IGNATIUS J. REILLY, ESQ: This character will come into play later in the game. He is an attorney representing Duane DeTaub. COMMENTARY: From time to time I'll have to jump in and provide some explanation ADDITIONAL CAST These are people that are mentioned in the emails, but they do not write emails, therefore they don't have their own color code. PHILLA DETAUB: Wife of Duane Detaub VERNON FOONMAN: Duane's manager at the tanning salon KETCHUP: Duane's only son |
My first intended victim was Emmanual Isaac, who wrote the following email. Keep in mind that for some bizarre reason, these guys like to write in all caps as they butcher the English language while trying to screw you. In order to maintain accuracy, I have not edited the emails, so they will appear as I received them: EMMANUAL ISAAC My name is EMMANUEL ISAAC, the eldest son of Dr. Dennis Isaac from Zimbabwe. During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supporters My father was one of the biggest farmers in our country and because he Mugabe is a good villain name, dontcha think? Before his death, my father had deposited with one Security Company in SOUTH As the senior man in the Family, l decided to contact you to assist me Presently the Fund is already in Holland, while I need to seek political All I want you to do is to help me finish this transaction and the same time Note that this transaction is 100% risk free. Hell, I'm sold - you should have said that first! You should however treat this Thanks and God bless. Best regards, Duane now makes his first attempt to contact one of these scammers: Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 01:20:23 -0800 Hello Isaac, Please allow myself to introduce me, I am Duane DeTaub. I must say letter I've read your letter very carefully, and I can't wait to meet you and your I checked with the boss, and it looks like I can get over there to Please get back to me soon and let me know about all this. Duane DeTaub A few things to note: Duane looks forward to meeting Emmanual's father, who is supposed to be dead. Also, Duane addresses him as Isaac which is his last name. Sadly, Mr. Isaac did not respond. Not to be discouraged, Duane awaits the next email from a scammer. Scammer #2 took the bait! |
Ladies and gentlemens. It's with great pleasure that I introduce you to Mohammed Danjuba... Dear friend, Good day to you. I am Mr. Mohammed Danjuma; the chairman to the contract I have a business proposal that might interest you. Presently, we have The source of this fund is from an over invoiced contract that was done DOES HE KNOW MY REAL NAME, OR IS THIS A WEIRD COINCIDENCE?? This contract So, did you steal it or what? We as civil servants are not permitted to operate foreign accounts, Thirdly, due to the unsteadiness of the political conditions and the Once this goal is achieved, twenty-five percent will be yours, sixty-five hmmm...3.5 million to cover expenses...that should be enough. My colleagues and I shall travel to your country for the disbursement of Please the detail of this transaction is top secret and highly this one is 100% risk free too! awesome! count duane in! If you are interested, please mail me back so that I can give you all the I assure you that this transaction will be to our mutual benefit if at the Awaiting your reply. Thank you, Mohammed Danjuma.
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2003 11:02:59 -0800 Dear Mohamed, Please allow myself to introduce me, I am Duane DeTaub. I must say letter I've checked with my bank and surprise surprise they said that all that Please get back to me soon and let me know about all this. Duane DeTaub so this is basically the same as the first email to Mr. Isaac, with a couple small modifications to address certain differences in Mohammed's email versus Isaac's email, such as the pipe laying reference and the amount of "room" for the money. Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2003 03:43:19 -0800 (PST) Dear Mr. Duane, Thank you for your email. What can I say? You are a very impressive is a gottin? you'd think duane wrote this. from Meanwhile, I want to ask you; have you handled large volume of funds before? but of course. You can call me on my private cellphone for a verbal discussion. mmmm...sorry, Duane can't call long distance from work Awaiting your response. Thank you. Mr. Mohmmed, Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2003 20:14:21 -0800 notice mohammed switched email addresses - this must be the address he uses when he hooks a sucker. THings are crazy here. Aparently its true, we are at war. My only son Duane DeTaub "all our base are belong to us" is a internet-famous saying that came about from a japanese video game translated very badly into English. Someone made a song out of that sample and I happen to have a t-shirt...couldn't resist... ------------ Date: Sat, 29 Mar 2003 04:39:15 -0800 (PST) Mr. Duane, Please re-assure me on this after which I will fill you in on the neccessary Thank you. Mohammed. ------------- Mr. Mohmmed, Please excuse delay for responce, I was helping Ketchup get his things This was my first test to see exactly how much brain power I might be dealing with since Texas is a damn sunny state. Now I can gauge how much I can let Duane off the chain... Son, here in Lubbock my home town we Like how Duane got a little gangsta on him? Also note that Duane spells Mo's name wrong every way possible. Mo never corrects him funnily enough. I done said my peace, so Duane Detaub ------ Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 08:57:47 -0800 (PST) DEAR MR. DUANE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE WHICH HAS BEEN DISCUSSED BY THE PARTNERS HERE. I HAVE THUS BEEN MANDATED TO BRING YOU INTO THE FULL PICTURE OF THIS THE FUNDS IN QUESTION – US$35,000,000.00 THIS AMOUNT IS ATTACHED TO A CONTRACT IN WHICH THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR HAD THE SCHEME: So it is a scheme. Thank you Captain Obvious. BY VIRTUE OF OUR POSITION ON THE C.R.P, WE WILL USE OUR INFLUENCE TO IN ORDER TO PERFECT AND LEGALISE THE ARRANGEMENT, WE SHALL INCORPORATE YOUR FROM OUR RESEARCH, WE KNOW THAT YOU WOULD BE INVITED TO COME OVER TO SIGN WHEN THE DOCUMENTS ARE SIGNED, THE FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR OUR INTENTION UPON MEETING YOU IS TO GIVE YOU A SHARE OF 25% OF THE TOTAL DEAR PARTNER, NOW THAT WE HAVE DECIDED TO DO THIS DEAL WITH YOU, WE COUNT ON WHAT YOU MUST DO: FOR THE TRANSACTION TO COMMENCE YOU SHOULD SEND US YOUR BANKING PARTICULATS THIS HAS TO BE DONE IMMEDIATELY AS WE ARE DETEREMINED TO CONCLUDE THE WE WAIT IN EARNEST ANTICIPATION OF YOUR PROMPT REPLY AND FOR YOU TO SEND TO THANK YOU, MOHAMMED. ---------- Date: Tue, 01 Apr 2003 23:07:43 -0800 Dear MR. Mohmmed Son you are making Corky my recent departed neighber seem like a real smart Duane DeTaub Do you think that last spelling error was a little too obvious? Below you will find the picture I used to represent my fake characters which I found on the web. Handy little tool that interneck.
A little too perfect, yes? ---------------- Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2003 00:16:43 -0800 (PST) Duane, My partners and I are involved in this transaction and we are keeping this Oh no you didn't just swear at Duane. Bitch, don't make me put my baby down. This kitten has claws... up as soon as the money is confirmed to be in your account. Trust is one thing Sorry, is that your wife in that picture with you? She is a very pretty Do you have a private cellphone number where you can be reached? We need to Thank you, Mohammed. ----------- Dear Mohmmed, Son I have a bone to pick and a few to break. One of my favorite lines from a band called The Refused. In the great state of Texas we -------- Mohammed didn't get back to me as quickly as he usually does. Feeling a little worried about the poor scammer, I thought I would drop him another line and let him know I had some money and introduce someone smarter than Duane to handle this daunting transaction. Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2003 00:43:34 -0800 (PST) hello mr mohmmed, where is your pictur? i understand if you been busy. i Duane DeTaub ----------- Fri, 4 Apr 2003 03:27:44 -0800 (PST) Dear Mr. Duane, I am very sorry for my late response to you.Yes, I have been very busy I am sorry I can't send you a picture right now. My scanner is Meanwhile, I will want you to send me the following details in your next 1. You full bank details including the bank name and address. 2. Your company name and address. Please have these infos sent to me immediately so that we can begin the I await your urgent response. Best regards, Mohammed. ---------- Mr. Mohmmed, Aint you been listenen? We can not send or mail to the company because if Duane DeTaub I borrowed the picture of Vernon from the same photographer. Once again, a little too perfect.
----------- I suddenly became busy at work so I had to put Duane on the back burner. This caused Mo to be a little worried, so he sent a very nice email along with a picture!!! From: Mohammed Danjuma < mohammed_danjuma008@yahoo.com >
well, he sure looks respectable, and I'm sure he didn't steal this from another website or anything... ----------- Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 02:47:25 -0800 Mr. Mohmmed, Yessir, I know time is a mean mistriss and I intends to backhand her one of these here days. Ill have you know that I have not been sitting round with a thumb up the ass. I been to the big city to set up all that needs doing with Get Down and Get Brown. I have met with Mr. Ignatius J. Reilly the lawyor and I reckon he is a decent sort of fellow for a fat bastard suit wearing type and he will be helping with a lot of the things I don't undergets. i wonder if he will take the fat bastard suit wearing comment personally? There are lots of papers that have to be written which I aint too good at. I got people skills dammit and I cant be wearying bout all them tricky laws and goverment dealings. Im very glad to be back from the big city. I have a desk by the window at home now and I can look out and see the squrrils and they are merry. (that last line was from Office Space. god I love Milton!) Mr. Reilly will be talking to you very soon and im sure he will do a very good job seeing as I hhave paid him up front and he say I am his most important cleint. I cant wait to be gone from When a Tan Loves a Woman. You and I are going to have a much bertter business. Wait til you hear the whole plan. Whoooeee its a doozy. My heads spinnin just thinking bout it. Well I reckon I best get some sleep as tomrrow is the big funeral for Corky. The cops finally let his family get the body back from the evidince. I think I told you bout him, he the retarded boy who lived two trailers down from me. Poor boy had to sit on the toilet with a helmet he was so messed up and I bet they is going to burry him with it. Well be talking real soon you hear. Duane DeTaub ----------- Time to meet my other character. I invented the lawyer so that I could have more fun annoying and insulting Mo without having to keep coming up with hillbilly schtick. Greetings and Salutations Mr. Mohammed_Danjuma, I am I.J. Reilly, senior partner with the prestigious New Orleans based law firm of Dewey, Reilly, Cheathem and Howe. We have recently expanded our practice to include Texas and in the process of opening our firm's livestock division in Lubbock, I had the great fortune to meet a colorful character by the name of Mr. Duane DeTaub. Mr. DeTaub has a smashing business plan, as you may well know. He has retained my services to ensure success, and has listed you as a potential partner in Get Down and Get Brown, a Limited Liability Corporation. I understand that you will be investing a tidy sum, and have heard from Mr. DeTaub that you are quite eager to transfer these monies and begin what surely will be a profitable investment in the solar epidermis augmentation industry. I look forward to effectuating this transaction with alacrity. A cashier's check in U.S. Dollars should suffice, please remit directly to the address below in care of GD&GB Enterprises, LLC. Please do NOT use UPS. I find them boorish, incompetent and dull as a wet Kleenex. Fedex is our preferred negotiable documents carrier. I was very surprised to hear of your voting woes and nefarious deceptive returns concerning your presidential election in Nigeria, a country known for it's veracity and strict moral conduct. Or am I thinking of Norwegians? I always get the two mixed up. Sincerely, I.J. Reilly ----------------------------------- "If we can't fix it, we'll fix it so ---------------------------------- From: Mohammed Danjuma < mohammed_danjuma008@yahoo.com > (whoa! nice jab mo!)
------------------------------- Sadly, I had so much work I had to take a break from messing with Mo. During this time, my Ignatius email box got deleted which messed everything up. I tried to email Mo from Duane's account, but he disappeared and never responded. ------------------ Mr. Mohmmed, i have relly bad news. mR. Reilly was kicked in the Duane DeTaub ------------------ So sadly, our correspondence ends here. I had such high hopes for bringing Vernon into the mix as well. The ultimate plan was to convince Mo that we were going to open a new tanning salon that secretly videotaped the customers and put them on the internet. We were going to keep pestering him for money. When I have a free moment, I intend to try this again as I continue to get these emails, and I have no social life. I hope you enjoyed my little escapade.
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